


Acts of love

by burkesl17



Category: Law & Order: SVU
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Attempted Rape/Non-Con, Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, Kidnapping, M/M, Serial Killers, Sexual Assault, Torture
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-10-04
Updated: 2017-10-29
Packaged: 2019-01-09 02:14:05
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 3
Words: 13,734
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12266826
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/burkesl17/pseuds/burkesl17
Summary: When Carisi decides to let a driver know their brake light is broken he discovers something awful and starts a series of events that will threaten his life.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> This story contains descriptions of torture with sexual overtones 'onscreen' as it were, at about the level we sometimes hear described on the shown, but are rarely actually shown. These will be it the second chapter and I will include with that the notes how to skip that scene if you don't wish to read it. I'll also a brief description at the end of the chapter of exactly what takes place, in case you would like more detail before deciding whether to read it or not.
> 
> Thank you as ever to my fabulous beta reader, Mikimoo! Who is also responsible for getting me into the show this summer, thanks for that too.

There had been a big pile up at a busy Manhattan junction and the traffic jam Sonny and Rollins were stuck in had barely inched forward in half an hour.

“I’m going to be late to pick up Jesse if this doesn’t get going.”

Sonny hummed and looked at his watch, there were still several hours before he and Barba were meeting for drinks, but he had a lot of paperwork to finish up. He didn’t want to be late, they hadn’t been dating long, and the excitement was far too fizzy and thrilling to make paper work easy to concentrate on and traffic jams easy to put up with.

“Oh, we’re moving,” Rollins said sarcastically, as the car crept forward about a foot.

Sonny leaned forward to watch the car in front, he’d thought the last time they moved one of the brake lights hadn’t come on. It didn’t this time either as the car came to a stop.

He pointed at it and said to Rollins, “I’m going to let them know.”

“You want to be a traffic cop now?”

“Just being a good citizen,” he grinned at her and she rolled her eyes at him.

“If we start moving again, I’m not waiting for you to get back in the car.”

“I’ll be thirty seconds.”

He jogged past the car, vaguely noting the blacked out windows and bent down to the driver’s door. The man behind the wheel jumped in alarm and Sonny raised his hand reassuringly.

“Excuse me sir, I just wanted to let you know that your brake light…”

And then he saw the girl. She was lying across the back seat, her wrists and ankles were bound with gaffer tape, her blouse was torn and there was blood smeared across the inside of her thighs. Her face was a mess of cuts, tears and fresh bruises and when she saw him she started screaming.

“Help me, help me please, he’s kidnapped me, he…”

As he went for his gun, the opening car door hit him right in his knees and he stumbled backwards. The man made a run for it and Sonny jumped forward to tackle him. They scrabbled together on the road for a moment but Sonny couldn’t pin him, then he felt a knee slam into his stomach, knocking the air right out of him. Before he could breathe, he was yanked abruptly to his feet and spun round.

He could hear Rollins yelling, and he tried to step back and stamp on the man’s foot, but then a blade pressed against his throat.

His skin caught on the metal as he gasped and he could see Rollins standing in front of them, her gun up and she shouted, “Put the knife down! Put it down now, sir!”

“Let me go!” The man yelled right in Sonny’s ear. “Let me go and I’ll drop it!”

Sonny couldn’t speak, words catching in the panic in his throat, and he just stared at Rollins’ wide eyes. “Alright, I’ll let you go. Just put the knife down.” 

“You put your gun down first! I’m serious, I’ll cut his throat!”

The pressure increased and Sonny felt pain dragging and snagging across his throat, followed by the wet blood running down his skin.

“Yeah? You cut his throat, and I will shoot you. Do you want that?”

He could smell the guy, sour sweat and cheap aftershave. Hear his desperate breathing and feel how the hand holding the knife was shaking. The blade dug in a little deeper and he frantically tried to pull the man’s arm away.

“You’re on camera sir,” Rollins said, quieter now, tilting her head towards a woman who was filming them through her car window. Lots of other people were getting out of their cars too and surrounding them. 

“We can sort this out, right now you haven’t really done much. You kill him and you’ll go down for killing a cop, and you will never, ever get out of prison.”

For a moment there was just the sound of their breathing, of a helicopter overhead, his own frantically racing heart. Then the blade left his throat and the arm around him relaxed. Sonny had a moment where he couldn’t move and then he staggered away, reeling like he was drunk and collapsing against a car.

Rollins rushed past him shouting at the guy to get down, and Sonny slid down to sit on the asphalt, his knees didn’t want to hold him up. He watched as Rollins cuffed the man and then he suddenly remembered the girl and her big, terrified, dark eyes.

He scrambled to his feet and dashed to the car. The girl had squeezed between the two front seats and Sonny tried to smile reassuringly at her, but he didn’t think it had worked as she didn’t look any less scared.

“It’s okay, it’s okay,” he managed. “I’m a cop, I’m going to get you out of here.” 

He got the back door unlocked and ran round to help her out. She collapsed in his arms, sobbing and begging him to untie her. There were sirens getting closer and a woman handed him scissors to cut the tape, he was pleased his hands weren’t shaking. When she was free she pulled back from him immediately and sniffed, “I thought I was going to die.”

“You didn’t.” He couldn’t help putting his fingers up to the cut on his neck, it was deeper than he’d realised. “That man is going to go away for a very long time, you’re safe now. What’s your name?”

“Sophia, Sophia Perez. It was so weird…I’ve used Lyft a hundred times with no problems, but I thought he was weird as soon as I got in the car, there was something funny about him. I asked him to drop me off early but he didn’t and then he…then he…”

She shut her eyes and he waited. Uniformed officers were running over and he watched the perp get dragged to his feet and slammed against the side of a car. He turned his head towards Carisi and Sophia, and Sonny quickly moved to block his view of her.

“After…I thought he’d be done, but then he put me in the car. But he seemed so much quieter…normal. He was talking, he told me he was taking me back to see his wife, that she’d like me too.”

“His wife?” She nodded and hugged herself. “I want to see my Mom.”

She probably wasn’t even fifteen. Sonny nodded and passed her his phone. “The ambulance will be here soon, it’s probably easiest if she meets us at the hospital.”

As the adrenalin wore off he could feel the pain was beginning to stiffen up his ribs and knees and he startled at a hand on his shoulder. 

“Hey, it’s just me.”

“Sorry,” he looked up at Rollins and leaned on her arm as he got to his feet. 

“No, it’s okay Carisi. You need to go to the hospital too. I think your neck might need stitches.”

“I had a date tonight.” It hit him then, how much he’d nearly lost and how much they hadn’t done yet. How stupid to have wasted the months before they got together on misunderstandings when it could all vanish in a moment.

“Good for you, but you still need to go to the hospital.” She dropped down and began to speak to Sophia. Sonny took his phone back, watching the ambulance squeeze its way through the the crowd and was unable to stop himself touching the wound on his neck again.

He didn’t need stitches, but the nurses had to use glue and tape and it looked pretty ugly. His ribs were bruised too and he didn’t remember getting hit in the face, but he must have done as there was a large mark starting to darken on his cheek. His collar was soaked in blood and it had spattered his tie. He looked terrible. 

The perp’s name was apparently Robert Anderson. Benson and Fin were with him in the integration room whilst Sonny ran his name through the system and hunted for a new shirt in his desk drawer.

He looked up to see Barba standing in the doorway staring at him. For a moment he looked absolutely horrified, before his face went blank and he walked over slowly and asked, “What happened to you?”

Sonny grimaced, embarrassed by the state he was in, even if that was stupid and he stuttered out the story, rubbing the back of his neck awkwardly.

Barba’s eyes kept flicking between the cut, the bruise and the blood on Sonny’s shirt and when he was done asked, “Are you’re alright?”

“I’m fine.”

Barba made a slight gesture, as though he’d been about to reach out, but stopped himself. He put his hand down on the desk close to Sonny’s instead, and Sonny wanted to reach across and tangle their fingers together. He resisted though and looked up into Barba’s eyes.

Barba took a breath, which just hitched slightly and said, “What about the girl?”

“She’ll be alright physically. But he raped her, beat her, burnt her with a cigarette lighter and cut her with a knife. He…he’s a real sadist.”

“Hopefully he’ll confess.” 

“Even if if he doesn’t, you’ll get him.”

One of Barba’s super quick, small smiles flicked across his face for a moment. But then he frowned and said quietly, “Do you want to cancel tonight?”

“No!” Sonny replied quickly. “Unless you do?”

“No. But I’d understand if you didn’t want to go out.”

Sonny frowned, because truthfully the idea of being in a bar, with his ribs steadily stiffening up and being stared at by people wondering what had happened to him, was not fun. But he really didn’t want to cancel.

He looked in Barba’s eyes again, and swallowed. “I want to see you.”

Barba’s eyes were dark and hot and he leaned over and said, “Come over instead, we can get takeout. I’d offer to cook, but I don’t think I’ll have time.”

“Yeah,” Carisi replied, probably sounding too keen, but he’d nearly died today and he desperately wanted to grab onto life now. “That sounds great.”

And Barba smiled again, small and sharp and Carisi felt he had to break the moment or he’d do something he really shouldn’t, like kiss Barba in the middle of the office. 

“I didn’t know you could cook.”

“There’s lots I can do that you haven’t discovered yet.”

That comment, and the way Barba slightly raised his eyebrow as he said it, didn’t help and Carisi made himself sit back and grin. “I bet you’re the kind of guy that can cook five things really well and that’s it. Am I right?”

Barba looked affronted for a moment, but there was something in his face that made Carisi think he’d guessed correctly.

“Stick around long enough and you’ll find out.”

“That a promise?”

Carisi was smiling hopelessly now and Barba stood up slowly. “But if that’s all going to happen, I need to drop this off with Liv and you need to finish up here. And change your shirt.’

“Copy that.”

They walked to the two-way mirror looking into the interrogation room, and Carisi forced himself to look in. Robert Anderson was incredibly average looking, heavy set with pale skin and mousy hair. He’d been a cop too long to be surprised by ordinary people doing extraordinary things, but he would have never given Anderson a second look in the street.

“That’s him?” Barba said with a frown. 

“Yes,” Benson said. “He’s just asked for a lawyer. He’s being a bit strange though.”

“Strange?” Carisi asked, leaning on the glass.

“Yes. He’s claiming it was a consensual sex game, and she was embarrassed when Carisi saw her. And of course he had no idea she was fourteen.”

Sonny sighed and said, “You ask him about the wife?”

“His wife?” 

Benson replied, “When Carisi and Rollins spoke to Sophia, she mentioned that Anderson told her he was taking her to see his wife, Mary. Now, he’s saying it was just to make Sophia more comfortable, but he’s really protective of his wife. He started denying she was involved at the same time he was denying doing anything wrong. We’re bringing her and the kids in.”

“Kids?”

Benson nodded, “Yup, four of them apparently.” Carisi grimaced, feeling sick and Benson dropped her hand on his arm. “You should go home.”

“I can still help out.”

“Carisi, you went though an extremely traumatic experience earlier today. Go home, shower, eat something and get some sleep.”

He couldn’t stop his eyes flicking to Barba and it hit him again just how little he wanted to sleep. He knew he should stay too, but a shower, and the chance to stop and pray before going to Barba’s were just too tempting.

He said goodbye, but he couldn’t help but glance back at Barba watching him go, and he felt warmth flood through his body.

***

Barba stared at himself in the mirror and decided to stick with his first choice of shirt. It was a soft, dark blue one that looked good across his chest and shoulders. Teamed with slacks that made his ass look great, and he knew he looked good, without making himself look like he’d made too big an effort.

He gave himself one last glance, before opening a bottle of wine to air. He glanced at the clock and then in a move he’d never admit to anyone, ducked back into the bedroom and checked the expiration date on the packet of condoms in the drawers next to the bed. It had been an embarrassingly long time since someone had come over. 

The buzzer for the door went off and he hurriedly shut the drawer and went to answer it.

“Hey,” Carisi said as he opened the door.

“Hi,” Barba breathed in reply. The the bruise on Carisi’s cheek had got darker and the cut on his neck stood out harsh and vicious against his skin.

He reached up to touch Carisi’s face, let his palm slide round the back of his neck, catching in his hair. The fear he’d felt earlier, a weight in his stomach, settled again and he felt cold as he gently tugged Carisi towards him and pressed their lips together.

Carisi made a pleased noise and Barba deepened the kiss. He pulled Carisi closer and squeezed his slim waist, enjoying the feel of him and then sliding down to hold his hip. Carisi made a low, hot noise and pushed him further into the apartment, pressing closer.

The kiss got hotter and Carisi’s fingers tangled in his hair. He kissed away the fear and the horror he’d felt when he’d heard Carisi’s story and he pushed him back against the door. Carisi yelped, but it didn’t sound like pleasure and Barba pulled back.

“Sorry, my ribs…”

They were both breathing hard and Barba pulled back his hands to rest them against Carisi’s chest. 

“Are they broken?” 

“No, just bruised, but…can we maybe slow it down?” 

He looked slightly sheepish and Barba smiled as softly as he could before leaning and pressing a gentler kiss against the bruised side of Carisi’s mouth.

“Of course. Dinner?”

It was strange seeing Carisi sit down at his kitchen table, fitting into his space. And it was still a shock when he looked at the other man and felt the rush of feelings and emotion. Carisi had crept up on him so slowly, he couldn’t put a moment to when they began, but by the time he’d told SVU about the death threats, he just _liked_ the man a ridiculous amount. And from there it had apparently been a very short step to wanting him, and now he just felt a stupid amount for someone he’d only had two official dates with and hadn’t slept with yet. Although he was tempted to count the weeks before the dates as they’d slowly danced towards each other too.

Carisi saw him staring and said, “What?”

“Nothing,” he replied too quickly, getting out takeaway menus and pouring wine. 

It was shockingly easy to talk to Carisi. And very easy to let himself linger on his blue eyes, his strong forearms showed off by rolled up sleeves and his full lower lip. Carisi caught him staring more than once and shot him small smiles each time. 

Once they’d eaten, Carisi gave the files piled on Barba’s table a look. “Anything interesting?”

Barba groaned, “The latest in the continuing round of people appealing because Rudnick testified against them.”

“Most of them haven’t got very far right?”

“Yes,” Barba shrugged, “But this one might. The trial was just after you joined SVU, you still had that…thing…on your face.”

“Hey, some people liked that moustache.”

“Mentally disturbed people possibly.” Carisi rolled his eyes and Barba struggled to hide his smile.

“Anyway, it was a rape and murder. The defendant claimed it was consensual sex and a suicide, but the evidence was thin. It was really Rudnick’s testimony that it was almost certainly murder that put him away.”

“Shit. What are you going to argue?”

“Currently?” Barba shrugged, “I don’t have anything better than takes one to know one.”

“That’s not going to go down well, Counselor.”

“Really? I had no idea. Hence, why I’m sending back the files back tomorrow for you lot to find something else in case we have to go to trial again.”

Carisi pouted, “You’re not going to drop them off in person?”

“I get to spend tomorrow working on a case about a do-gooder cop with a thing for saving people from broken brake lights.”

He realised his voice was speeding up and he stopped talking abruptly. Carisi nudged his foot with his own. 

“I’m okay. And you know I did save a fourteen year old girl.”

Barba wiped his mouth and dropped his fork. “I guess you did.”

They stared at each other and then Carisi stood up suddenly and stood between Barba’s legs. He reached out slowly and his hand stroked around his jaw line. He swallowed and looked up at Carisi, leaning into his hand, which tightened slightly.

He stood up and pulled Carisi closer, unable to go another second without kissing him. They kissed over and over again, messy and hungry. He gripped at Carisi’s arms, his shoulders, gasping into the kiss, until he was aching and they had to pull away for a second, breathing into each other’s mouths.

“Shall we take this to the couch?”

“The couch?” Carisi laughed breathless, kissing him with a hint of teeth against his bottom lip. “I’m not good enough for the bed?”

“Oh you’re good enough,” Rafael replied, squeezing Carisi’s ass. “You’re so good. Bedroom’s this way.”

They stumbled to the bedroom, kissing each other as they went and pulling off each other’s clothes.

Barba pushed Carisi lightly to sit on the bed and pushed the shirt off his shoulders. He couldn’t help look for a moment at the bruising smudged across his ribs and torso, but Carisi pulled him in for another kiss, gripping his arms tight.

“It doesn’t matter,” Carisi gasped. “Just keep kissing me, don’t stop.”

“I won’t,” he managed to reply as Carisi’s hands moved to his belt and undid it, pulled down his zipper and unbuttoned his pants. Barba kicked them away and then had to stop kissing as his hands caught in his cufflinks. Carisi snorted a laugh and started to undo his own pants and push them down and then they just stared at each other for a moment, both of them in their underwear.

“You’re so hot,” Carisi blurted out, reaching out for him again. Barba kissed him again, inwardly pleased and relieved because there was looking good in a suit, and there was looking good naked. Carisi’s hands were as keen as his words, as they slid over his chest, dragged through his hair and hooked in his underwear. His hands grabbed Barba’s ass as they slid down and they both moaned. 

Barba pulled back from Carisi’s mouth, although he had to kiss him again quickly, briefly, and then once more before he put his hands on Carisi’s shoulders and said, “I want to see you naked.”

“You got it.” They were both smiling, Carisi was beaming as he moved up the bed and wriggled out of his underwear. He was already getting hard and Barba crouched over him, drinking in the sight of his body. 

“You’re gorgeous,” he replied and Carisi blushed and shook his head, pulling Barba on top him. Barba tried to make sure he didn’t lean too hard on Carisi’s injured side and breathed, “You are. You are stupidly hot.”

He kissed Carisi’s neck and stroked down his side. His fingers stopped just before the edge of Carisi’s public hair and he asked, “What do you like?”

Carisi gasped beneath him, his body arched slightly and his hand ran down Barba’s spine, making his breath hitch. 

“I…I…what do you want to do?”

They were both breathless and Barba kissed lower, trailing his tongue along Carisi’s collar bone. He was so turned on and so happy, as he slid his hand around Carisi’s cock and stroked.

He looked up and stared into Carisi’s wide, bright eyes and said slowly, “I want to suck your cock.”

Carisi gasped and nodded and Barba kissed lower, lingering over Carisi’s abs because they were a work of art, and nipped and licked at the hollow of his hips. He couldn’t help smiling up at him, and some of the heat in Carisi’s eyes faded into affection and he reached down to tangle their fingers together.

He kept his eyes on Carisi the whole time as he licked around the head of Carisi’s cock to start with, and then up and down it, following a vein, before finally taking Carisi in his mouth properly and starting to suck. He held eye contact as he sucked him deeper until Carisi’s eyes fluttered shut as Barba started to move his head and his hand. 

“Good?” He pulled off to as teasingly and Carisi’s hand tangled in his hair. “Yes, it’s good. Please, keep going.”

He stroked Carisi’s balls, and squeezed very lightly, which made Carisi suck in a sharp breath.

“That good too?”

“Yes, but gently.” Barba nodded and went back to sucking as he gently stroked his balls. It was a rush, incredibly hot to feel the way Carisi swelled in his mouth, got harder and started to tremble. The hand in his hair tightened and Barba shifted so his cock could catch on the bed spread.

He started sucking harder and then Carisi pushed at his forehead and moaned, “Stop.”

Barba pulled back straight away. “Are you okay?”

“Yes,” Carisi smiled again, and how was it possible for his heart to just melt like that? “I was just getting too close.”

“Isn’t that the idea?” He asked, returning the smile, because apparently he was hopeless.

“Yeah…but…I don’t want to come until you do.”

He was blushing, and Barba kissed his way back up his body and kissed him deeply again, rubbing their cocks together. 

There’d been a hitch in Carisi’s voice, and Barba pulled back to murmur, “Is that a thing for you?”

“Umm, it doesn’t have to be every time, but yeah it’s a bit of a thing.”

He smiled against Carisi’s lips and teased, “How generous.”

“Are you making fun of me?” Carisi’s voice was light and amused not hurt, they kissed more and Carisi’s hand slid between their bodies to hold their cocks together as they pushed against each other. And it was wonderful, but it wasn’t enough for a day that put that cut on Carisi’s neck. Barba bit Carisi’s ear lobe and asked, “Would you like to fuck me?”

“Oh God, really?”

He huffed a laugh and sat back, reaching over to open the drawer and get the lube and condoms.

“Really.”

Their fingers brushed and tangled as Carisi took the bottle of lube. Their eyes met and suddenly the levity vanished and Barba had to kiss him again, suddenly desperate and he said, “I don’t need that much prep, hurry.”

The kissed through Carisi sliding his fingers inside, rubbing until he found Barba’s prostate, which made him gasp and cry out. Another time it would be good to take this slowly, let Carisi rub and play for ages, but he was almost frantic now and he just asked for a bit more lube before rolling the condom down Carisi’s long, hard cock.

“Are you sure you’re ready?”

“Yes. I want you now.”

He knelt above Carisi and lowered himself down, trying to hold eye contact for as long as possible, but the pressure and stretch made him close his eyes. He felt Carisi’s hands squeezing his hips, heard him making encouraging noises, and it had really been too long since he did this. 

“Rafael?”

He opened his eyes and shifted slightly. “That’s the first time you’ve called me that.”

“I’m inside you, I can’t call you by your surname.”

They were smiling again, and Barba began to move, slowly at first and then harder as Carisi wrapped his hand around his cock. He didn’t really mean anything by it when he first gasped out, “That feels so good,” but Carisi flushed even redder and squeezed his hip harder.

He got off on it, Barba realised, on pleasing. So he and again, “You’re gorgeous, I want you so much, stroke me harder.” 

And Carisi did, the two of them moved together better, the pleasure building. He had to reach down and touch Carisi’s lips, cheek and hair.

“You’re so good.”

Carisi’s head fell back and Barba stared at him, as he moved and Carisi’s eyes opened again. They looked at each other and it was incredibly good, until the burn in his thighs got worse than the pleasure in his body. He moved off Carisi, who whimpered, and he could hear the desperation in his voice as he gasped, “Can you take me from behind?”

They shifted together, frantic now and Barba dropped his head to the pillows as Carisi thrust into him, he couldn’t praise him any more, just gasp because it was so damn good. He managed to ask for it harder, and Carisi did and then he was tumbling over the edge, coming with a shout as the pleasure rolled over him.

He felt Carisi keep moving for a few more desperate seconds, and just as it was getting too much Carisi made a broken noise and thrust hard before shuddering and slumping over him.

They just breathed for a moment, before Carisi pulled out and dragged Barba into his arms. They kissed again, breathlessly, and the boneless pleasure was painfully secondary to the affection racing through his heart.

They didn’t speak much for a few minutes, as they basked in the warmth, until Carisi kissed him apologetically and went to the bathroom. He rolled over in the bed, enjoying the lassitude in his body until Carisi came back and he made himself go too.

When he came back Carisi was putting the lube and condoms back in the drawer and his eyes went wide. Barba smiled at him again, unable to help it, and said quickly, “Anything in there, apart from the condoms and lube, is purely optional.”

Carisi smiled at him, a little abashed, and said, “I’m just not into handcuffs. It’s too similar to work.”

“I get that.” He slipped back into the bed and felt relieved as Carisi wrapped his arms around him and threw a leg over his too. 

“If you like it, we can work something out.”

“It’s not something I like enough to be worth making you uncomfortable.” 

“And the dildos?”

Barba rolled his eyes sleepily and yawned, “I’ve been single for awhile.”

Carisi dropped his head on his shoulder and kissed his neck. Sleep was pulling him down and he would normally be trying to get some space from whoever he was sharing a bed with but it was so ridiculously sweet and Carisi was so warm.

Lips brushed over his forehead. “Tonight was amazing. Rafael.”

“It was. Does this mean I have to call you Sonny?”

Carisi chuckled against his neck and told him yes, and that was the last thing Barba remembered before he sunk into sleep.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you to everyone who commented and left kudos on the first chapter, it means a lot to me! Thanks again to Mikimoo for beta reading this chapter too.
> 
> This chapter gets rather darker than the first one and includes an attempted sexual assault. If you would prefer to skip that scene, stop reading when Carisi wakes up and pick it up again when Rollins says, "Okay we get it." There's a more detailed description of what takes place in that scene if you want to check at the end of the story.
> 
> There'll be one more chapter after this one.

Carisi walked into the squad room the next day, and grinned at Rollins and Finn as he sat down. He hoped how happy he was wasn’t written all over his face, but it probably was. It was hard to think about anything other than Barba moving over him, staring up at him and praising him. How well they’d moved together, and it was even more exciting to think how they were going to get even better at that as they got to know each other and what they both liked.

It wasn’t just the sex though. He felt equally delighted by the morning, by the memory of Barba’s messy hair, bleary eyes and over the top groaning when the alarm went off. How they’d curled around each other, hands stroking over skin, and how it had been very, very hard to leave the bed.

They hadn’t had breakfast together as Barba’s fridge had only contained old takeout and coffee beans, but Carisi was already planning to bring eggs over the next time he slept round. 

Right now, the future glowed.

Rollins rolled her eyes at him as he sat down, “I do not want to know what put that look on your face.”

He grinned even wider. “I don’t know what you’re talking about.”

“You’re spreading cheerful ‘I just got laid’ vibes everywhere. Stop it.”

Fin rolled his eyes and Carisi smiled down at his phone and opened Whatsapp. He spun the phone on his desk and tried to work out what to say to Barba. He knew he had a habit of falling quickly, coming on too strong, and then putting people off. But he wanted to let him know he was thinking about him.

“Carisi, you good to be here?” He looked up Benson and nodded, “Sure, Lieu. I’m fine.”

“Even your ribs? You can stay in here today, go through the details of the Scatton case. He’s appealing it and…”

“Because of Doctor Rudnick? Barba mentioned it.”

He realised it was a mistake as soon as he started speaking, and he could feel himself starting to blush. Liv didn’t seem to notice, but Rollins was looking at him quizzically and he rapidly took the file and flicked through it to hide his face.

“You know,” Rollins said, “yesterday was crazy. We had Anderson, all his kids, his wife. Then the two other victims who came in about a different perp. Fin got called in to testify in front of a Grand Jury…So something’s bothering me about the interviews with those kids, if he’s stuck at his desk maybe Carisi could watch the recordings of them, see if there’s anything we missed?”

“Sure.” Carisi replied, “CSU find anything when they searched the House?” 

Benson nodded, “A lot of porn, mostly rape and bondage videos, and some with kids too. Anderson is adamant it’s his and his wife doesn’t know anything about it. Her fingerprints are on the laptop, but she says she just uses it for Netflix and online shopping.” 

“Think they’re lying?”

“I do,” Rollins replied. “He also said he’d never snatched a girl before, but he was very slick for a first timer.”

Benson looked between them and nodded firmly. “Let me know if you find anything Carisi.” She walked off with Rollins, the two of them talking about Sophia.

Before he started watching the interviews, he couldn’t help sending off a quick text to Barba saying, _“Can’t stop thinking about u and last night.”_

He got one back almost instantly saying, _“I hope you’re not working on any of my cases then.”_

__

__

_“Funny, Liv’s just given me scatton.”_

He watched _‘ADA Barba is typing’_ come up and stop a few times before it finally said, _“I’ll let you get on with it then.”_

Carisi tried to think of something, something sexy or funny to sign off with and was surprised when he got another message.

_“Last night was good.”_

__

__

_“Just good?”_

_“Stop fishing for compliments. Show me later.”_

He breathed in sharply, thinking of the things they hadn’t done yet. He hadn’t sucked Barba, which he suddenly desperately wanted to.

_“I’ve just realised how you could take that. I’m not sexting at work.”_

__

__

_“Awww :("_

_“Later.”_

He could have kept at it all day, but he reluctantly put down his phone and opened the video files of the the interviews with Anderson’s kids. 

The oldest was fifteen, a dark haired girl called Amy who was hunched over with heavy dark bangs her blue eyes peered out of. Then there was a nervous twelve year old boy, Ricky; eight year old Monica and Terry, who was four. He watched the videos through twice, and then a third time because Rollins was right, there was something odd about the interviews and went to find the Lieu.

She was arguing down the phone with someone and he hovered for a moment before she waved him into a seat. 

“So, have you got something on Scatton or the interviews?”

“The interviews. Thing is, they’re too consistent. We’ve got a fifteen year old girl, a twelve year old boy, a four year old and an eight year old who, to be honest, seems a little slow. There should be more differences, at least in the way they describe things. It’s like they’ve been coached.”

“Coached? On what to say if their father is ever arrested for rape?”

“Yeah,” Carisi sighed. “What does that tell you?”

The pen she’d been twisting between her fingers dropped with a clatter onto the desk.

“It tells me we need to get them back in.”

He nodded and said, “I got some thoughts about that. Let me go…”

“Well I would, but Rollins and Finn are working two different cases this afternoon, and Barba wants me to prep for testifying in…”

“Yes I know,” he said abruptly. “But I can go with a uni. We’ll do the whole flashing lights, sirens, skipping traffic thing…Because looking at those kids, even if they aren’t abusing them, they haven’t made them feel special for a long time.”

Aside from the details that matched too closely, it was the heaviness in their eyes and he should be immune to it by now, but it broke his heart every time.

She looked for a long moment, clearly weighing it up, before nodding. “Fine, but be careful.”

“Copy that,” he said cheerfully, before striding out in search of a uniformed office to come with him.

The front of the Anderson house was run down and tattered. Paint peeled off the wooden boards, weeds tangled with grass grown long and scraggly. A rusty bicycle missing its front wheel was chained to the fence, and a few other toys were scattered in the grass, all broken.

The uni he was with, Carolyn Franks, made a bit of a face at it and Carisi said, “Let me lead when we’re talking to the kids. I’m good with them.”

“Got any?” she asked as they walked up the path. 

“Not yet,” he answered. And his thoughts flicked to Barba again. The kids thing was non-negotiable, which Barba knew, though he hadn’t shown any great enthusiasm about it either. 

He forced himself to focus and rapped on the door. There was a long pause, and then he heard footsteps running up and down stairs and hurried talking that spiked angrily before a door slammed.

Carolyn raised her hand to knock, but Carisi shook his head at her and then, another couple of seconds later, the door opened a small amount. Amy Anderson peaked out at them, thick, greasy hair almost completely covering her eyes.

“Hello?” she whispered.

“Hi Amy,” Carisi asked, “It is Amy, isn’t it?”

She nodded and slid out of the door slightly further.

“My Mom’s out.”

He smiled at her encouragingly. “I’m Detective Carisi and this is Officer Franks. That’s too bad about your Mom, but actually we wanted to talk to you too.”

Her eyes flicked to the bruise on his face, and she stumbled out of the door, shutting it behind her.

“Are you the policeman my Dad hurt?”

She still looked very wary, and he bent down slightly and tried to keep his voice soft. “Yeah, yeah I am. How do you know that?”

“I heard them talking yesterday.” She took one careful step further from the door and Carisi said slowly, “You aren’t surprised your Dad hurt someone.” It was maybe a bit too close to say ‘he hurt me’.

She shook her head, staring at her tatty trainers, and then took a couple of deep breaths. And when she raised her head her eyes were all defiance.

“He hurts lots of people. He hurts me, and Ricky and Monica and I think he’ll start hurting Terry when he’s a bit older. And I think he hurts other people too.”

She sagged as she finished talking, as though the burst of anger driving her had taken all her energy with it. But then, she managed to blurt out, “And Mom. She hurts people too.”

He gave her a moment, and then, when she obviously wasn’t going to say anything else, asked. “What do you mean by hurts?”

She didn’t answer, just hugged herself tight and shook her head. Carisi sunk down to one knee and said, “Amy. We can help you, get you away from them, but you need to tell us what they do.” 

Her breath hitched and Franks knelt down too and said, “This can be your way out, Amy. You and your brothers and sister.”

She walked quickly away from them, and kicked one of the broken toys. It crashed into the fence and she spun round and said, “They hit us, and they…they fuck us. Is that what you wanted to hear?”

“No.” Carisi said. “I didn’t want to hear that. But I did, and we are going to help you.”

She looked up at him and said rapidly, “Can you take us somewhere now? Before Mom gets back?”

He couldn’t remember all the details of child protection law, but in that moment he didn’t care either. He turned to Franks and said, “Call my Lieutenant, update her and get the warrant extended. I’m going to get the kids out of there.”

They moved quickly, Amy throwing bags of clothes together for the younger kids, whilst Carisi carried Terry out to the car. The boy was subdued, but brightened up when he set the lights on the police car flashing. Monica chattered away, tugging his hand and dragging a threadbare doll behind her. When he got them settled he dashed back to the house and saw Ricky gripping a mobile phone. Amy’s voice was tight and panicked as she said, “Ricky, what did you do?”

“I had to,” he replied. He was staring over Carisi’s shoulder and Sonny realised he had just walked past the door into the cellar. He tried to spin round but he was too late, a knee was driven into the small of his back and a cloth was clamped round his face. He gasped, trying to breathe. It was all blurring, and he tasted, or smelled, something sweet. He tried jamming his elbow back, but the sweetness was overpowering and everything faded away.

****

Barba thought he’d done a reasonably good job of keeping his mind on his work that day. He’d only drifted off into memories of Carisi’s body beneath him, moving inside him, a few times. He’d been helped by having to sort out the arraignment of a serial pedophile, but once that was done, he found himself staring at Carisi’s messages again.

It was ridiculous at his age to be so taken up with this. 

He opened his emails and answered three of them before he checked his phone again to see if there was a message from Carisi, or Sonny. It had probably got to the point where he really had to call him Sonny.

He could still feel the stretch from where he’d been inside him. 

Fuck it. He slammed the laptop lid shut and swung his jacket back on. It was really important he went over to talk to Liv and get her detailed insights on Anderson and Sophia Perez now she’d had time to reflect on it overnight.

Probably. The journey would hopefully give him enough time to come up with a better excuse.

But when he got to the precinct he didn’t see Sonny and his ridiculous smile and ridiculous hair and ridiculous long body. He did see Liv, Rollins and Fin standing and talking in an anxious group, with a couple of uniformed cops. Rollins saw him first and made a beeline for him saying, “When did you last hear from Carisi?”

He couldn’t answer her for a second, fear stopping his tongue, and when she started to repeat the question he got out, “Not for a couple of hours.”

She eyed him and then repeated in a quieter but firm voice. “You’re sure? You haven't for any reason?”

Carisi’s good points had never included subtlety. But Rollins being onto them wasn’t nearly as bad as the slowly mounting sense of dread.

“No. I haven’t heard from him since the morning. What’s going on, Rollins?”

“Carisi and a uni went out to the Anderson house several hours ago, they should have checked in by now, but no one’s heard from them.”

He tried ringing Carisi but just got his voicemail, and tried to sound light as he said, “It’s Barba, ring me when you get this.”

Rollins rushed back to the group saying, “Between us we’ve left like ten messages for him.”

“And for Carolyn,” the cop in uniform said. “She’s not unreliable at all, she should have checked in by now.”

They rushed around him, trying to trace the police car, their phones. Barba was reduced to texting Carisi about how annoying this was, how they better find him soon, worry bleeding into every anxious word.

He leant over Rollins’ shoulder as she pulled up the CCTV, but quickly realised he was just getting in the way and sat down heavily at Sonny’s desk. Frantic tracking of the squad car’s GPS showed it parked in an empty lot, but there was no one in it. As Fin said in disgust, “You can see from the camera feeds they went past, the car driving up to that lot. But the camera doesn’t cover the lot itself or its entrance. And then you can see a number of cars driving down that road, but any of them could be the one we want.”

Barba watched as Rollin’s focused in on car after car, looking for anyone who could be Mrs Anderson. Or Sonny. 

Other cops were getting organised, talking rapidly into phones as they peeled off to find the car, to trace their cell phones, to put out alerts. They all seemed to be talking at once and Barba stood up so abruptly, he sent Sonny’s chair clattering back and hitting the desk behind him.

They all turned to look at him and he said, “I’m going to talk to Anderson, he must know something.”

“Fin and I will go out to the Andersons’ house again,” Benson replied. “Amanda, you go with Barba. See if you can get that son of a bitch to talk.”

As they ran down the steps to the waiting police car, Rollins said quietly, “You’re seeing each other, aren’t you? You and Carisi?”

He couldn’t bring himself to deny it and gave an abrupt nod. He was grateful she didn’t try and tell him it would be okay, and they didn’t speak as the car screamed away from the sidewalk, siren shrieking. 

He tried to think of something to text, his fingers stroked over the letters, but the only thing running frantically around his mind was be okay…be okay…you have to be okay…

The radio crackled and an announcement came over the tannoy, “Missing officers’ phones found in a bin two blocks from the Anderson house.”

Next to him Rollins swore and started to text frantically. Barba dropped his in his pocket, and stared out of the window, barely seeing the city passing by.

Be okay…be okay…you have to be okay…

Rollins’ phone rang as they got out of the car, and she spoke quickly before shaking her head and hanging up. 

“That was Liv. They’re not at the house, but neither is Mary or the oldest daughter. The other kids are saying that Carisi and Franks were never there, and their mom just went to the shops. Liv’s going to keep working them.”

Barba nodded and for a stupid moment was going to suggest Carisi tried as he was so good with kids, but of course that wasn’t possible and the fear hit him all over again.

When they got in the prison and finally saw Anderson, Barba was spitefully glad by how grey looking he was, like he’d aged by more than one night. He went to open the door and Rollins’ put her hand on his arm.

“Are you going to be okay in there?”

He turned to brush her off, and then saw the fierce look in her eyes, the tension round her mouth. 

“Are you?” he replied. 

She nodded once and he returned it, before taking a deep breath to try and calm himself down and opened the door.

Anderson had a lawyer called Richard Young, who Barba knew was fairly cheap. He also already looked fairly defeated as he nodded at them when they sat down. Anderson didn't look up from the table and his hand shook as he picked up a cup of water.

Good, Barba thought as Rollins leaned forward and said, “We decided to go out and talk to your wife again, Mr Anderson.”

Anderson’s head snapped back up at that and he shouted, “You did what?”

“Your kids sounded rehearsed,” Barba replied. “That makes people suspicious.”

“My wife had nothing to do with anything!”

“Why did you ask for this meeting?” Young butted in, “Do you want a deal? My client is ready to…”

“We might deal,” Barba said leaning forward, “But we have a problem we need to solve first.”

“You see,” Rollins continued, “The officer and the Detective who went out there, Detective Carisi…”

“You might remember him, he was the one whose throat you nearly cut yesterday,” Barba snapped out. His tone was too harsh though, Young glanced at him with narrowed eyes and he just glared back to cover the mistake. He had to act, act cool, act calm, act like Carisi was just another colleague. It was almost unbearably hard, but he’d been pushing down intense feelings for years. This had to be just another interview.

“He surprised me,” Anderson muttered, looking back down at his hands. “It was an accident.”

“My client…” Young started again, but Rollins leaned forward quickly, her chair slamming against the table leg, the metal clanged so loudly both Anderson and Young jumped.

“The problem is no one has heard from Carisi or Officer Franks since they reached your house. We’ve found their car, we’ve found their phones, but we haven’t found them.”

“They…” Anderson nervously licked his lips and took another sip of water. “They probably never got there.”

She shook at him, “Oh we’re pretty sure they did. Any chance your wife got nervous Mr Anderson? Could she have done something foolish?”

“You realise,” Barba said, looking at Young, as Anderson shook his head, “That this could be an opportunity, if you help us.”

Young narrowed his eyes and bent towards Anderson, but Rollins jumped in before he could say anything. “Where might she have gone? Is there anywhere she’d go if she’s scared, or where she’d feel safe maybe?”

“I don’t…I don’t know.”

“If you know something,” Barba said, “If something has happened to Carisi and Franks and we find out you knew something that could have helped, any deal will be off. I will not give you anything.”

“A deal?” Anderson looked up suddenly, his eyes angry and more engaged than Barba had seen him. “I don’t care about a deal, I care about my wife. I am not going to help you.”

****

When Carisi came round the first thing he saw was Franks’ body. She was sprawled across the floor of a dark room, but he was twisted awkwardly and he couldn’t see whether she was breathing. He tried to pull forward, but his arms were stuck and then he realised how numb they were. His head was foggy, and it took him a moment to understand he was chained to some sort of metal pipe. His mouth was dry and sour tasting and he realised he must have been out for hours.

He tried calling Frank’s name, but she didn’t answer.

“She’s gone. Mom had too much fun.”

He looked and saw Amy. She was chained to the wall by a thick metal collar around her neck, and her wrists were cuffed together. Heavy bruises were smeared across her face.

“Are you okay?” He asked her. She didn’t look at him, just stared vacantly at the opposite wall.

“Amy?”

“She hasn’t finished punishing me. I don’t know if she’ll kill me.”

He took a deep breath despite the rank air in the room and shook his head slightly, trying to clear it.

“She isn’t going to kill you. I’m a cop, Franks was a cop. We’ve must have been missing for awhile now, and people are looking for us. They will find this place.”

She gave him a slightly pitying look, but didn’t say anything else.

He tried to look around and see if there was anything at all he could use to get them free. They were probably in a basement. The pipe he was chained to was pretty sturdy and tugging it didn’t move it at all. It was scratched, possibly like other people had pulled at it in the past. Thinking that sent a panicky chill through him.

His legs were bound and held slightly apart by a spreader bar, it would be awkward but he could still kick.

The door opened and he looked up to see Mary Anderson walking down the steps towards him. A middle age woman, slightly heavy set but not fat. Her hair was dyed blonde, with the roots just starting to show through and she was wearing a plaid blouse and beige slacks. She looked possibly even more ordinary than her husband.

She was humming to herself and smiled when she saw him. 

“Detective Carisi! You’re awake. I was starting to worry the dose I gave you was too high and I’m on a timetable.”

“A timetable?”

“Oh yes. Fleeing justice, making sure that I don’t get pulled into my husband’s mess.”

She spun a metal trolley round and pulled it up in front of him. 

“But first some fun, as you’ve ruined the nice set up we had.”

“Fun…” He trailed off as he saw what was the on the trolley. Sex toys, a couple of huge dildos as wide as his fist and long as his forearm, vibrators, a ball gag, and pliers, knives, a hammer and a saw big enough to cut through flesh and bone.

“I deserve some fun. We’d been planning our date night for yesterday, but you screwed that up too. And now I won’t see my husband ever again.”

“Your husband had a fourteen year old girl tied up in his car.”

“Exactly. Date night.”

She had to be a complete psychopath. It was futile, but he yanked the chains against the pipe anyway, maybe he could pull it out of the ceiling, or even break it if the metal was rusty enough, but the chains stuck fast and suddenly she was right in front of him again.

Her eyes were very big and dark and he opened his mouth to say something, anything to get some control of the situation. But before he could, she flicked a knife through his shirt, cutting it open from the neck to the hem.

“Well, you work out.”

She dragged her hand down his abs, and any attempts to pretend he wasn’t panicking were futile as he could see how fast he was breathing. Her fingers curled around his belt buckle and she smirked at him for a moment before letting go. 

He’d had training about hostage situations. About what to do, how to act. But he couldn't remember a single thing as she she drew away and walked towards a small stove in the corner of the room. He tried to just breathe and then to speak, as she set the coals in it alight. 

“This will hurt,” she said, putting the pliers and a poker in the stove.

Carisi gaped at her and finally managed to ask, “Why are you doing this?”

“Because I’m owed!”

She hit the trolley against the wall and everything on it scattered across the room. 

“I’m owed!”

Her hands caught in her shirt as she yanked it over her head, and she said again, in a much quieter voice, “I’m owed.”

“Owed what?” 

She didn’t answer, but picked up the knife from the floor and straddled his thighs. 

“You wrecked things for us Detective Carisi. We had a nice set up here, we had each other and plenty of opportunities to have fun, but now I have to leave the goddam country, leave my husband in jail and leave my kids.”

“Your husband should have fixed his break light then.”

She scoffed and he gasped as she began to cut his torso with the knife. It wasn't very deep but the blood welled up and ran down his skin. Mary smeared it with her fingers, her finger nails catching on the edges of the cuts.

Her eyes were fixed on the blood and she pulled away, and said abruptly, “Are you gay, Detective Carisi?”

The question was such a surprise he didn’t think before answering, “How the hell’s that any business of yours?”

She shrugged, “You had some pretty intimate texts come up on your phone from someone called Rafael before I ditched it, sounded pretty gay.”

Keep them talking. It didn’t matter about what, that was the training, keep them talking. Don’t make them angrier, whatever you have to do to get out of there alive. And in this case, he knew, he was completely certain, that Benson, and Rollins, and Tuturola were coming for him. They’d have figured out where this place was and they were on their way. He just had to stay alive until then.

He didn’t want to talk about Barba with her at all, but he said, “Yes, fine I’m gay. That bother you?”

“I’m not homophobic, I like playing with gay men too. It’s always interesting to see how much they can take. Now where is….?”

She looked around the room before smiling and picking up a bottle of pills and shaking them in his face. “Viagra, useful for men who aren’t into women. Or being chained up.”

He pulled at the chains again and she laughed. He felt sick and scared, and angry and he shut his eyes for a moment, to try and get his bearings, to try and find anything he could to stop this happening.

Amy shifted slightly, her chains clinking, but her eyes were far away. 

“Are you really going to do this in front of your kid?”

Mary shrugged, “She’s seen worse.”

His heart broke all over again. 

Suddenly something hit him hard in the face, a blunt pain smashing into his cheekbone. He gasped and then started to choke as she forced a dildo the size of a fist into his mouth. He swallowed around the rubber, tried to breathe through his nose, but he couldn’t and she forced it deeper. He gagged, and she slapped his face.

“You stupid bastard. You stupid fucking bastard. This is all your fault. Everything that happens to you today, to my bitch daughter and that cunt police officer, all you fault.”

She yanked the dildo free and he coughed and spat, gasping for air. The knife slashed down then, cutting his torso again in three quick slashes.

“How shall we play next, Detective? We need to be quick, after your meddling. We won’t have as much time as usual.” She picked up the pliers and snapped them together quickly.

Keep her talking, he knew he had to do that. “Usual?” 

“Oh yes, you’ll join them when we’re done.”

“You’ve been doing this for a long time then?”

She just smiled at him and rattled the bottle of pills. “Are you going to need these or are you going to be able to get it up?”

He tried to shove the thought of last night away, to try not to tarnish it with what was happening here, but he couldn't help but remember. Rafael’s hands on his body, getting him hard. The heat of his mouth and the warmth of his smile, and how good it had felt to be making love, aroused together. And the realisation that this awful perversion of it was going to happen.

“Hey! Pills? Or will you get it up with a few jerks? Answer me!”

She grabbed the pliers from the stove and snapped them at him, “Make your mind up, or I will burn off your nipples.”

“Chains and threats don’t do it for me,” he spat back at her and she hit him in the jaw with a disgusted expression. She put the pliers back in the stove and stripped off her slacks. He turned away as she pushed a vibrator inside herself and straddled him.

“Open your mouth.”

He shook his head, wondering how long he could string it out for. But he’d cave in the end. Only God knew how many times had he spoken to victims, reassured them that complying had saved their lives. That it didn’t mean they wanted what happened, that they’d been smart.

He had to survive. He had to be smart. He opened his mouth and she put the pill on his tongue.

“Good boy.”

****

“Okay we get it,” Rollins tried again. “You care about your wife, how do you think she’ll feel when the police find her.”

“Which they will,” Barba interjected.

Rollins nodded and said, “And if she is with Carisi and Franks, it could turn into a hostage situation. Even if it is all just a misunderstanding.”

Barba looked to see if Young was going to say anything, but he was just watching Anderson. The silence started to stretch out as Anderson took another drink of water, his hand shaking even harder than before.

The only thing the man seemed to be responding to at all was comments about his wife, like they were hitting a raw nerve. 

Barba tried to soften his voice, like he did in court when he was trying to get the accused to relax on the stand so he could trip them up. He leaned forward and said, “I’ve seen one hostage situation, and it’s frightening. There are police, there are dogs barking, there are snipers. If you really want to help your wife, to save her, you need to help us.”

The cup of water slipped out of Anderson’s hand and hit the table. Water splashed everywhere but Barba didn’t take his eyes off his face and next to him Rollins didn’t move.

“There’s…there’s a house.”

None of them spoke, even Young seemed frozen, and Anderson carried on. 

“A house my Mom owned. We go there sometime to…to relax. She might…she wouldn’t have done anything bad on purpose, but if she got in trouble somehow, she might have gone there.”

Rollins said quietly, “What’s the address, Robert?”

He told them, his voice completely flat.

They stood up quickly, and Barba snapped out, “Call my office,” at Young.

As Rollins opened the door, Anderson said, “Anything else you find there isn’t her fault. She didn’t know anything about it.”

“Anything else?” Rollins asked.

“Robert, stop now,” Young snapped out.

“No,” Rollins snapped. “What else will they find?”

“I used to take people, people like the girl yesterday, up there. They’re still there. In the garden.”

Barba mistyped the number to unlock his phone twice before he managed to call Liv.

****

The ceiling above them creaked, just a tiny bit. Carisi had been on enough stakeouts, in enough busts, where you weren’t sure whether a place was safe or not and you were listening for every possible sound, every hint that someone was hiding.

He knew the difference between the sound of an old building settling and the sound of a footstep.

Mary didn’t seem to have noticed anything as she undid his belt and flies, and manhandled his pants and underwear down his thighs. She eyed his cock and nodded at the pliers, “Try anything and I will rip it off. Now, where to cut next?” The tip of the knife dug into his clavicle. 

There was another creak above them, and Carisi rolled the pill around in his mouth to hide it under his tongue.

Another creak, and then a rush of footsteps, he spat out the pill and the room suddenly filled with cops, a mass of bodies in black with guns up.

They were yelling at her to get down, put up her hands, lie on the floor. She stumbled away and flung herself down, and then Benson appeared next to him. He just stared at her for a moment, unable to believe it was really her in this dark, awful place. 

“Lieutenant?” 

“I’m here, Carisi, you’re safe now.” Her hand was on his shoulder and he felt like crying, as he dropped his head on her’s. He tried to say something, to explain anything, but he couldn’t even begin to find the words.

“How badly are you hurt, Carisi?”

He couldn’t answer, and Fin dropped down next to them with a medic.

“Franks is dead,” he said softly and then asked, “How you doing man? Do you know where the key to the cuffs is so we can get you out of here?”

Following the relief, a feeling so huge that the word didn’t feel big enough, the embarrassment hit him too and he pulled up his legs to try and hide his junk.

“I…I don’t know where the key is. I woke up like this. Have you checked on Amy?”

“Yeah, she’s going to be okay,” Fin replied. “But better once we get you out of here. I’m going to help look for the key and call Amanda and Barba.” He squeezed Carisi’s shoulder quickly and then slipped away.

The rest of it was thankfully a bit of a blur. Benson was with him the whole time, helping him get his pants back up, rubbing his arms as the blood flowed back into them when he was finally let down, supporting him as they staggered up the stairs and into the sunlight. 

“Rollins is on the way to the hospital with Barba. They’re how we found you, they got Anderson to tell them where you were.”

Carisi tilted his head up into the warmth, unbelievably relieved to be standing in the sun again, breathing the air. Tears welled up in his eyes and he shut them quickly to hide, but Benson said quietly, “Sonny, it’s okay.”

“You finally called me Sonny.” 

She chuckled slightly as she helped steer him towards an ambulance. Dogs were running past them to the garden and he tripped as he saw two holes in the ground, deep enough for a body.

“Don’t look over there, Carisi.”

She pushed him away and into the ambulance and he dropped his head into his hands as it drove away.


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The comfort after the hurt.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And it's done! That you once again to Mikimoo for the beta and to everyone that has left kudos and comments, I have really, really appreciated them.

When Barba and Rollins were finally done with the full horrors of Anderson’s confession, they still hadn’t heard from Liv. As they walked out to the front of the prison, the officer who’d driven them over waved and said sharply, “I heard over the radio, ESU has gone into the house.”

Barba breathed in sharply and rubbed his face with his hand. He stared at his phone, willing it to ring. Rollins’ was doing the same, pacing agitatedly, her heels clicking on the stone steps. 

Her phone suddenly rang and she answered it almost instantly, saying, “Liv, have you found…”

She gasped and almost tripped on the steps, reaching out to grip Barba’s shoulder. “Carisi’s alive, he’s going to be be fine.” 

Barba sagged with relief too. “Thank god,” he murmured, reaching out to steady Rollins, although he felt shaky himself.

Rollins was still talking to Liv, and she froze for a moment, her eyes flicking quickly to the uniformed officer, saying “Uh huh, of course. Which hospital shall we meet you at?”

She hung up and the officer said, “They’re okay?”

“Carisi is. But Carolyn, she was already dead when they got there.” 

The uniformed officer sunk against the car door, and Rollins went to comfort him. Beyond condolences, Barba couldn’t think of a single thing to say and he quickly turned to ordering an uber. What did ‘going to be fine’ mean exactly? Wounds he’d recover from? Had he been assaulted? Tortured?

In the cab on the way to the hospital Rollins blurted out, “He’ll be fine.” She almost sounded like she believed it, but she was drumming her leg up and down and turning her phone over and over between her fingers.

“I’m sure he will,” Barba replied, trying to sound more certain that he felt.

“Course he will. He can come over to mine and cook and play with Jessie, Fin can take him out for drinks, Liv will make him get therapy whether he wants it or not and you…Well I don’t know what you two do, sit around and argue about boring legal stuff probably. I’m sure that will do him good.”

Barba scoffed around the tightness in his throat. “Yeah, that’s what we do.”

“Well I don’t need to know what else you two get up to.” 

He made himself roll his eyes at her and went back to staring out of the window as the car crawled towards the hospital, caught between desperately wanting to get there and see Sonny was alive for himself and dreading what state he'd find him in.

When they got to the hospital reception, Liv was standing there trying to calm down a short, blonde woman who was talking a mile a minute in a thick Staten Island accent. A large man, who was well over six foot stood behind her, his hand on her shoulder. 

“I just want to see my boy!” She sobbed.

“And you will,” Liv said, “But the doctors are just checking him over, and then…”

“I thought you said he wasn’t badly hurt!”

Rollins and Barba both stopped and Barba blurted out, “He’s not badly hurt?”

The three of them turned to look at him, and he had a moment to realise he’d just pulled the attention of people who had to be Sonny’s parents towards him.

Liv gave them a relieved look and said, “He’s going to be fine. Now, Mr and Mrs Carisi, I’ll go and see if the doctors are done with Sonny, the badge might speed things up. Then Rollins and I need to speak to him about what happened, and then you can see him.”

“I’ll go with you,” Barba said quickly.

“Actually,” Liv replied, “How about you take Mr and Mrs Carisi for a cup of coffee?”

Mrs Carisi opened her mouth and Liv quickly cut in, “Barba, along with Rollins here, was one of the people that helped us find Sonny.”

“Rafael Barba? The ADA?”

Both Carisis turned towards him, and he saw that Sonny’s mom had the same brilliant blue eyes he did.

“Sonny talks about you all the time! And you helped find him? Oh Mr Barba, it’s so good to meet you at last.”

She hugged him before he had a chance to move and he glared at Liv as she walked quickly away. Rollins shrugged at him as they walked off and Mr Carisi pulled his wife away and took Barba’s hand, shaking and squeezing it hard as he thanked him. Barba just about managed a thin smile back.

It was over an hour before he was able to see Sonny, although he heard all about him for a lot of that time. His favourite foods, his childhood antics on the school basketball team, how proud the whole family were of him. 

Although they didn’t know everything about him. They didn’t know they were talking to their son’s lover. And the coffee was terrible and sour in his stomach as Mrs Carisi talked. 

He wanted to tell her to be quiet, but she was talking a little bit too fast and her fingers were constantly winding and unwinding a scarf, knotting up the threads at its ends. Mr Carisi didn’t speak very much, but he never stopped touching her, rubbing her back and squeezing her shoulders.

They didn’t know about him and Sonny, but he tried to be polite anyway, in case they found in the future. He just sipped the horrible coffee and nodded along to stories about how clever Sonny was, how brave. How he was such a wonderful son. 

When Liv and Rollins finally came back, and the Carisis hurried off, Rollins gave him a sympathetic look as they she sat down next to him.

Liv just closed her eyes and rubbed them for a moment, “It looks like eight bodies in the garden so far.” 

“Should be ten if he’s telling the truth,” Barba replied. He really wanted to ask about Sonny, but by this point he felt like if he even said his name Liv would be able to hear everything he was feeling bleed out of him.

He started flicking through his emails. There was one from his boss saying that the DA’s office from the jurisdiction the Anderson’s house was in was already arguing their multiple murder case was going to have precedence over the abduction of Sophia Perez. 

He wasn’t really surprised. It would also mean he wouldn’t have to worry about officially recusing himself from the case for awhile longer, and he wasn’t ready to talk to the DA about it yet. It felt too small in some ways, a few weeks of dates and one night of sex. But too big in others, years of growing respect and friendship, then these unrelenting, stupid, _feelings_. 

“Shouldn’t Barba talk to him too?” Rollins said, shooting him a bright look over the top of Liv’s head. 

“Yes,” he said quickly, standing up. “Preferably before his parents drag him off and bury him in lasagna for a week.”

“Sure,” Liv replied, she kept talking but he was already walking away.

As he got closer to the room he could hear Mrs Carisi’s voice echoing down the corridor, “But you can’t go home to an empty apartment, Sonny.”

“Mom, I didn’t fit on that bed the last two years I lived in that house. My feet stick out the bottom.”

He’d never been so glad to hear Sonny’s voice, and he sped up.

“You can have our bed, I’ll sleep on the couch and your Dad…”

“You can’t do that, Mom. Your back…”

The door was slightly ajar and he only just managed to swallow back his gasp. Sonny’s face was much worse than it had looked the day before. The older bruises were fading and going yellow, but there was a much newer purple one that made the whole right hand side of his face swollen. There was another bruise on his jaw too and his lips were cut.

He was awkwardly perched on the edge of the bed and was wearing a grey sweater that was far too big for him, and he’d rolled up the arms, which showed dressings wrapped around each wrist. The jeans he was wearing were also too big and it made him look oddly small.

Mr Carisi saw him first and winked at him before squeezing his wife’s shoulder and saying, “Another visitor.”

Sonny froze as he saw him and then slowly started to smile. Barba took a few steps forward, unable to look away and Sonny said quietly, “Mom, Dad, can you give us a minute?”

Mr Carisi gave them an odd look and nodded. “Sure, come on sweetheart.”

Barba forced himself to wait until they’d gone and he rushed over, until he was inches away.

“Sonny…” he stopped, but Sonny grabbed him and then their arms were around each other. They kissed each other’s cheeks, each other's lips, his hands tight in Sonny’s hair, he felt Sonny gripping his shoulders and he was alive. He was alive and warm and breathing in his arms, and Barba clung to him like he might vanish any second.

All the strength suddenly seemed to go out of Sonny and he sunk against him, pressing his face into his neck. Barba kissed his hair and stroked his neck as Sonny gasped against skin. He sounded like he was trying not to cry and Barba pulled him closer and whispered, “Do you want to talk about what happened?”

“I…no, not now. I will, but I’ve just been through it with the detectives, and Benson and Rollins and I can’t…”

“That’s okay.”

Sonny pulled his head away and pushed his forehead against Barba’s. Barba pulled him closer, his fingers curling in his hair and his other hand tight on his hip, he shuffled closer between Sonny’s legs.

“When I was in there…in that…that basement. I kept thinking I had to stay alive, I had to do whatever it took to stay alive and get back to you.”

“Sonny…”

“And then,” Sonny leaned back and took Barba’s face in his hands. “And then Liv said that you were one of the people who found out where I was.”

His eyes were so blue, and Barba couldn’t speak right away. He stroked Sonny’s bruised cheeks and under his eyes. “I shouldn’t have. I should have recused myself from the start. But I would have done anything to get you back safe. When we realised you were gone…it was one of the worst moments of my life.”

Sonny nodded and pressed their foreheads together again. He bent closer and their lips touched very lightly at first and then harder, desperate.

“Rafael…” Sonny pulled away again and Barba fought not to chase after another kiss. “I know you must be wondering, but I wasn’t raped. Liv and Fin got there in time.”

He couldn’t help sighing in relief, but he’d seen enough to know there were plenty of other horrors that Sonny must have been through, and there must be other hurts hiding under the over-sized clothes.

“I’m glad…that you were spared that at least.”

Sonny sighed and nodded. He straightened up and swiped up at his eyes before managing a rather wobbly smile.

“Well, I wasn’t spared these clothes. Mine are evidence, so I asked my parents to bring me some. These are my Dad’s, and they don’t exactly fit well.”

Barba looked him over again and laughter bubbled up in his throat. “No, they don’t.” He slid his hand under the sweater, flexed his fingers on his skin. “But I’ve never cared less about what you’re wearing.”

Sonny made a weird sound, half a laugh and half a sob and then they were kissing again, and he never wanted them to stop kissing.

“Hey, Carisi? Fin’s made it over from…oh.”

They jolted apart at Liv’s voice, but not nearly quickly enough. He turned slowly, and didn't resist as Sonny took both his hands in his.

Liv was staring at them, looking surprised. Fin just rolled his eyes, and Rollins said, “I did say we should knock.”

“Wait,” Liv and Sonny said at once. It shouldn’t have been funny, but Barba couldn’t help but smirk as Liv turned to Rollins and said, “You knew about this?” just as Sonny asked, “Rollins, did you know?”

“I knew,” Fin said with a shrug. 

Barba ignored them all and shrugged lightly as he lifted Sonny’s bruised fingers to his lips and kissed them. 

“You really aren’t very subtle.”

Blue, bruised eyes turned back towards him and Sonny murmured, “Guess I’m not.” Then he leaned in to kiss him, just for a moment. And in that second Barba didn’t care about the room full of spectators at all.

****

Sonny woke up before his alarm, as he did almost every day. There was no light creeping under the blind, just the dim glow of the lamp he preferred to keep on now. It was childish, but he woke up in the night terrified so often, that opening his eyes in the darkness just left him thinking he was still down in that basement. 

Rafael was fast asleep next to him. But that was normal, he was generally just blinking and griping about coffee by the time Sonny was going to work, and unless they’d made love he was normally up for a couple of hours after Sonny went to bed. 

They’d probably moved too quickly, but Sonny had barely spent a night at his own apartment since what he’d come to think of as ‘the incident’. It was how it kept being referred to at work, when he was talking with the prosecutor, with IAB and even with the press team who grilled him almost as much as the DA’s office, as there was no chance the Andersons were taking a deal and the trial was already building into a sensation. As Rafael said, New York hadn’t had any serial killers for awhile.

It hadn’t been easy, being alone at night. And he knew Rafael had realised that, even if he hadn’t exactly said anything. The lamp had appeared on what had quickly become Sonny’s side of the bed, there hadn’t even been a hint that they were spending too much time together, and one day he’d come back and found the wardrobe slightly open and that Rafael had pushed his suits to the side, leaving enough space for him to hang up his clothes.

He knew they should probably actually discuss it more deeply than they had, but he still felt like he was an exposed nerve half the time, afraid of the dark and jumping at the shadows in the corners of his eyes, and he’d taken Rafael’s shrugged, “You can’t keep just hanging your jackets on the back of the chair,” without arguing much. 

Also, later that night, when Rafael had been inside him, his mouth pressed against the back of his neck, their fingers clinging together, Rafael jerking him off in slow, gorgeous strokes, he’d murmured, “I want you here. I want you here all the time, Sonny.”

And whilst he’d learned over the years that not everything people said during sex was necessarily true, he believed that down to his core.

So this morning, he kissed Rafael’s shoulder and slid into the shower without waking him up. 

In the shower he tried to scrub off his nerves and act like this was a normal day, which it should be. But there was still a hot, ball of anxiety in his stomach, which even the water turned up so hot it was nearly scalding, couldn’t scorch away.

When he opened the bathroom door, he smelled coffee and curiously walked into the kitchen with the towel round his waist.

Rafael was actually up, poking listlessly at a skillet he was frying eggs in. He was just wearing low slung pyjama pants that hung off his hips and showed off the weight of his cock through the thin material. Even on this particular morning, it still sent a tingle of want through him.

“What are you doing up?”

Rafael jumped, the spatula jerking and sending bits of egg flying onto the counter top. Sonny sniggered and poured out two cups of coffee.

“I was hungry?”

His heart warmed and he shuffled forward to kiss the top of Rafael’s head. “You never eat before ten.”

“Give me that,” Rafael grabbed at the coffee and Sonny poked at the eggs, which had already turned into rubber. He scraped them onto two plates anyway, and smiled at his boyfriend.

“You didn’t need to do this you know, I’ll be fine today. It might be my first day back, but I can tell you now Liv isn’t going to let me away from my desk for a week.”

Rafael ignored the eggs and shrugged as gulped the coffee. He surprised Sonny as he looked awkwardly down and said, “You aren’t fine.”

Sonny sighed and took a mouthful of the eggs. They really were terrible. “No. But I’m getting there and just sitting on my ass all day isn’t helping.”

“If you’re sure.”

“I am sure.” He leaned over and took Rafael’s hand. “You’re helping you know. Every day with you, we’re building something together. And that takes me further away from that place.”

A very quick smile flashed across Rafael’s face and he turned his hand up to wrap their fingers together. 

“But, you know,” Sonny continued. “You really, really do not need to get up to make me eggs again. Ever.”

They both started laughing then, and Rafael pulled him into his arms and kissed him. 

“Deal.”

The morning sunlight was soaking through the kitchen windows, warm on the back of his neck, bright behind his closed eyes, and between their kisses the shadows and the nightmares slipped a little bit further away and into the dark.

THE END

**Author's Note:**

> When Carisi is kidnapped he is repeatedly cut with a knife, hit in the face with a dildo and choked with the dildo.


End file.
